I’ve been purposely avoiding the heart-breaking content being shared on my newsfeed. Literally shielding my eyes from my phone when a visual of a bloodied limp body of a baby being carried out of rubble pops up on my screen. Sounds of shock escaping my mouth sent my partner and oldest son into worry mode as their faces snapped up to look at mine. “He aha mummy? He aha?” I turned my phone face down and looked at my boy’s big brown eyes full of concern. “Kei te pai ahau. I just got a fright at something sad on my phone. I’ll put it down now.” He came and sat on me, and we turned our attention to whatever cartoon was on the TV. That was early in this recent attack on the Palestinian people. I disengaged around then. The strain from the race-baiting during the general election had already left my heart and nerves frayed. Given life's constant demands (which I now view as a blessing), I simply didn't have the emotional capacity to handle much more without completely losing my ability to parent, work, and maintain a happy and healthy home. 

I’m telling you this because I found the capacity. It was a slow burn, and I did need to take some time off work for my mental well-being, but we got there. Once I had made sure I had an effective wātea process to keep any emotional impact away from my kids, I found the courage to confront the evil taking place in the Middle East and I cried. 

There are many reasons why I feel connected to this heart-breaking atrocity. Not because I like being sensitive and dramatic (I don’t actually like that about myself, but it is who I am, so I’ll own it). But because I knew it was important to understand, to empathise and to support, and because I’ve been to Israel and Palestine. I’ve seen those places, felt the mauri there and it was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life. Very similar, I will add, to being at Auschwitz in Poland. How’s that for a paradox.  

As Māori, being indigenous and a minority in our own country, we know exactly what colonisation looks and feels like – and the inter-generational impact that has. You only need to look back in your own whakapapa to find the direct attacks. Talk to your kaumātua, read our stories, watch our histories but more importantly, look within yourself and recognise that you can still see and feel the pain of colonisation today.  

No Māori Allowed, TVNZ 

NZ Land Wars, RNZ 

When I shared this infographic from the well-known Māori academic and super intelligent indigenous activist, Tina Ngata, the person from the push back DM I mentioned earlier used my name, in that gross authoritarian white man way, and basically said: 

• “You clearly do not understand the whole story. It is far too complex and detailed to capture in one infographic.  

• What are your thoughts about the horrific terrorist actions that the only Jewish state in the world have had to endure for decades? 

• Do you condone Hamas? 

• Where would you suggest these 7 million Jews who live in Israel should go? 

• The infographic is misleading… 

• Bla bla bla… 

• Free Palestine from Hamas.” 

I gave myself a good hour for the shock and disbelief to settle in before I responded. I talked about it with my partner, (who naturally had very colourful feedback) and crafted my response.  

For the record: I’m not sharing this to shame him (not that you’ll know who he is anyway). I’m sharing it in the hope that someone else might find it useful – maybe someone who buys into mainstream media and is blinded by propaganda, or someone who might be sitting on the fence. It also wouldn’t hurt if it happens to help open the minds of my whānau who think Taika Waititi is an impressive outstanding Māori man when really, he’s just a spineless hypocrite who chose fame and fortune over his whakapapa.  (Yes, I know he’s Jewish too but as someone who uses his indigenous background, he should know better).

Heoi anō, the main reason I’m sharing this is to ensure that as my boys grow older and gain a deeper understanding of our history and how indigenous brown people like them are treated in this world, they will know where I stood in a real-life, modern-day context. I'm sharing it with the hope that, unlike those 3000 Palestinian children who have been murdered, the day will come when my boys understand this. And on that day, I hope they will feel proud of me.  

Hi XXXX, first of all – I'm sorry this has struck a nerve for you. It’s been a challenging time for many people, I’m sure. Can I ask, are you Jewish? Is that why you’re offended? Because I don’t think Jews and Israel are the same. Many Jews don’t agree with what’s happening either. Check out @jewishvoiceforpeace because if any people know what genocide feels like in the modern age, it’s the Jewish people (and that is said with respect).  
 
Secondly, I understand more than you know, especially being indigenous and a minority in my own country. I know exactly what colonisation (and because of that, discrimination, racism, bigotry) looks and feels like and the inter-generational impact that has. We are still suffering the effects of it today. Tina Ngata who created that infographic is a well-known Māori academic and super intelligent activist. I’d love for you to pose your questions to her in the comments section to see what she has to say. 

What about the 7 million Jews who live in Israel? Why can’t they stay where they are in the land that was allocated to them? Instead of allowing their government to be greedy and stealing more land through violent colonialism and ethnic cleansing. Don’t try and tell me that the Jews in Israel are oblivious to their preferential treatment. What steps can they make towards reparations and peace? 
 
I do not condone what Hamas have done, of course not. But what the Israeli government has done prior to and since 7 October is far worse. Do you know anything about what Palestinians have had to endure since the Israeli state was made by America and Britain 75 years ago? What about the attack Israel made on Gaza on 27 Sept 2008? Google it. And that’s just one of the recent events out of many. Why do you think Hamas was even formed in the first place – have you asked yourself that?  
 
I’ve been to Israel and Palestine. Stayed in Jerusalem and crossed the border into the West Bank. The disparity was horrific, it stabs you in the face. We went from a developed world with clean streets, shops with glass windows, and nice restaurants with atmosphere, to a completely third world country in less than a 30-minute drive. Broken buildings, underdressed kids playing in the street, sheets covering windows, concrete rubble, old, damaged cars driving potholed roads, and large posters of Palestinian civilians (most of whom were children) who had been killed – what their name and age were, the date they were killed, and what they liked. It was absolutely heartbreaking.  
 
One young boy who liked soccer, was shot because he threw a stone at a fence. A stone… was retaliated with a bullet. I can still see his face in the 2-metre-wide poster – big brown eyes, awkward still growing teeth, he must’ve been 9 or 10 years old. I would’ve taken a photo of his poster to better remember him, but it felt off to do so. Kind of disrespectful and the Māori in me knew it wasn’t right.  
 
On our way back to our accom in Jerusalem, everyone had to get off the bus and show their passports and we got searched by Israeli soldiers with guns. We got questioned, my partner – my Māori partner with brown skin and a beard got questioned about whether his New Zealand passport was real. They didn’t believe him, even with his thick kiwi accent. They looked him up and down, searched his stuff, and I swear they would’ve spit on him if they could’ve. It was humiliating, disgusting and I was furious. I’m still furious even now just thinking about it. That wasn’t the first time he got questioned by the Israeli government either. His passport was questioned when we were going through security to see the wailing wall. They asked him questions about why he was here and what he does for a living. He resorted to talking about rugby to try and prove his Kiwi-ness. That is my lived experience –but then again, I am a brown woman, so I imagine it’d be miles different to yours.  

The argument you have presented in your response lacks substance. You’ve also completely overlooked the perspective from the powerless victims in this situation and I’m really disappointed. You say free Palestine from Hamas, I say free Palestine and indigenous peoples everywhere from western colonialism masked as the ‘right to defend themselves’.  

Do some more research XXXX, it’s not that complex. And please don’t be so naive as to trust mainstream media – it’s full of propaganda fed by the rich power-hungry evils of the world.  

I would encourage you to watch this short comprehensive 4min clip about the history.  

And follow these accounts for a wider perspective (there are heaps more but these are just a few).  

@motaz_azaiza 
@shaunking 
@anat.international

At the end of the day, this conversation is just that. Whether you try to understand what I’m sharing or not, it’s not going to directly change anything for either of us. It comes down to how we decide to live our lives and what we build for our families. I know what future I believe in and what I’m trying to build for my brown skinned indigenous family living on our native land that was stolen from us, and that’s what I’ll continue to focus on. I sincerely wish the best for you and yours. 

Now that I read that back, I’m annoyed that I was so nice and amicable. I feel like he could’ve done with more Queen Diva than Unicorn but hey, it was my first push back and one I’m glad I got in a written format because I don’t think this mere conversation would’ve ended as one had it been in person. Hei aha, it’s given me some perspective and insight into how stupid and ignorant our race can be and how dangerous the mainstream western media are. They are so complicit in preserving white supremacy it’s despicable.  

Think about it: Who is your main source of information? Who is the victim and who is the villain in their story? Whose perspective are they mimicking? How did that perspective get the power to be the one source of truth? Does this perspective align with your values and how do you know for sure? How does this perspective react to being challenged? Be honest to yourself in your reflection. 

My darling and I only tasted a tiny fraction of what the Palestinian people endure every day, and have been for decades, and now, after 75 years of that, they’re being massacred. All while the mainstream western media has convinced the world, our friends and family, our grandparents and parents, that they deserve it! That thousands of innocent civilians deserved to be slaughtered. It’s fucking disgusting and I can’t stand it. Please tell me I’m not alone in my outrage.  

I know we can’t wave a wand and ‘avara kedavra’ the Americans, Israeli and complicit governments. Or send Khaleesi and Drogon to burn those fuckers to ash (as much as I would really love to see that). But we can ignite people power! We can use our voices, our brains, our phones, our legs, our bank accounts, and our humanity to unite. We have the power to change the narrative and reveal the truth to everyone in our own little circles of this cruel world.  

We have within our mouths the chance to advocate for those who cannot speak for themselves. As a people who have experienced oppression, it is our responsibility to stand in solidarity with those who are currently oppressed and support their basic human right for freedom. (I can’t believe that’s still a relevant sentence in 2023).  

So, be brave e te whānau. Be vigilant. Be the māmā, pāpā, kuia, koro, aunty or uncle our tamariki need us to be and speak up. Get up. Stand up.

Our mokopuna depend on it.  

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I’ve been trying to write most of my adult life. I kept a travel blog when I first travelled through Europe. It was a private Facebook page and only had whānau and close friends on it but I don’t think anyone except my mother actually read it lol. However, I did it because it was a great way for me to remember the experiences in between the parties, people, hangovers, and ridiculously long bus rides.

When I moved to London, I thought I’d put my big girl panties on and post in a public facing forum. So, I created a WordPress blog. In the 3 years I was there, I think I only actually published 3 or 4 pieces. I must’ve started at least 1 a month but travelling, partying and living in the moment got in the way and nothing got finished.

Given that was almost a decade ago, I decided it’s probably time I put my big woman panties on and give this platform a crack. This is the space I’m going to use to post my longer form pieces of writing. It’s supposed to be easy, and a couple of my super cool and talented writer friends suggested it so why not. Only the universe knows how long that will last but here we go!

Queen Diva Unicorn

2010 in Wellington, a group of us gorgeous young wāhine rented a gorgeous house by the beach in Titahi Bay. This house was so bougee we called it Diva (it had a pool!). That became our identity in a sense and the title kind of stuck. Even now we still sometimes say, “remember that time at Diva…” or will send messages or songs to each other that reminisce on our Diva days. It was more than just a house; it was a home for the young, single, early 20 somethings trying to figure out they were. Navigating life and love and trying to find spaces where we were accepted and empowered to be our unapologetic selves.

When I moved to London, I fell in love with unicorns. I mean I’ve always been a bit of a fantasist but living in London was such a vibe! It had been the scene of so many books I had read and walking through the streets, the magic of those books I loved came to life and somehow unicorns became the icon of that magic.

London was also a challenging and life changing experience. It broke me a few times, but it built me up stronger. In that city, I found life, connection, whānau, love and I discovered who I really was and what really mattered. So, I think Queen came from that.

When I was contemplating doing this during Matariki this year, my son came home from puna reo with his drawing of a unicorn. I had been trying to decide whether to keep to this name or get a new ‘more Māori’ one but was struggling with the decision. His picture came as a tohu to me and is now my profile picture.

Nau mai ki taku whārangi.

This will be another depository of sorts of any random pieces of writing I have. The other depository is on Instagram for my shorter pieces, mostly poetry, at. It won’t always be good, and it definitely won’t be regular, but it will be whatever it ends up being.

Ngā mihi :)

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